Category Archives: Personal

Personal

2021: A Positive Recap

I think it would be safe to say that 2021 wasn’t much better than 2020. The recurring surges of COVID-19(and the spread of it’s various demon spawns)has hindered improvement, and more importantly, bringing people together again. Thankfully the various vaccinations being administered across the globe certainly have been doing its job in trying to help keep the surges from reaching more horrific peak. But I’m sure you all already know everything I’ve said up until this point. 

We’ve reached an era in which reading the news is a task that takes a considerable toll on our mental health and adds onto the stress already existing because of the pandemic and worrying about our family, friends, and other factors in our individual lives. So I went on a hunt to collect numerous stories from throughout 2021 describing events that had shaped the year-for the better. So here is our 2021 recap. But a little nicer.

The Great Barrier Reef and its steady recovery:

It’s common knowledge that climate change has been affecting our planet in more ways than one. And the plant starting to heat up bit by bit isn’t only causing glaciers to melt. Warming oceans had caused corals to start bleaching, leading to them losing color, and life.  Coral bleaching had caused significant damage to the majority of the Great Barrier Reef, but this year, scientists found hope when the corals started to spawn and gaining life once again. This is a good sign for moving towards improving the status of our planet into a better state of health.

NASA’s Perseverance rover successfully made oxygen on mars:

NASA’s Perseverance is equipped with an adorable device(the size of a toaster to be exact)the Mars Oxygen In-Situ Resource Utilization Experiment, MOXIE for short. With Mars’ lack of breathable oxygen, water, and other necessities for human life, this device is the first step for a future involving human research and possible civilization on Mars. According to an article written by NASA in April, Mars’ atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide, therefore MOXIE’s job is to take these molecules and break them apart in order to isolate oxygen atoms. Although the amount initially produced by MOXIE was fairly small, this is still a major achievement in the process of helping human beings survive on Mars.

Giant pandas are no longer endangered:

In July, China had announced that giant pandas were no longer being classified as “endangered,” an incredible improvement after years of decline of this majestic species. Along with these pandas, rises in various other endangered species populations have been found.

A species of giant tortoise was found in the Galapagos:

What was previously thought to be extinct was uncovered again on Fernandina Island after a lone female was found. Scientists ran tests, confirming that it was indeed the member of a species of tortoise thought to have gone extinct 100 years ago. Scientists are now scouring the island to find more of these turtles as they take the female to be bred. This discovery was crucial in attempting to preserve a species thought to be lost forever.

The 2020 Olympics in Tokyo brought us some very young medal recipients, who dominated the games:

The 2020 Olympics held a number of contenders that made it difficult to choose who we rooting for, each competition shone with the hard work and dedication of each and every person who was competing, no matter if they walked away with a medal or not. One event in particular that made me feel incredibly proud was the women’s street skateboarding event that included 13 year olds Momiji Nishiya and Rayssa Leal. Nishiya gold, Leal silver, and Nakayma bronze. Nishiya and Nakayma, both of Japanese descent, helped push the country towards winning the skateboarding event overall with their respective wins. But that’s not what I loved the most.

I loved seeing the sheer power they held even when competing against people much older and showed so much swagger and grace in everything they did, even when they weren’t on their boards. It made me incredibly proud to see people close to my age bringing so much for their countries and our youth. Their drive, power, and achievements were a spectacle to see and I couldn’t be more happy to see our generation being represented at such a level.

Disney and Pixar had a fantastic lineup of movies that proceeded to make me bawl:

A tradition we’ve had since before I was born was sharing our love for film, one of the many ways we bonded together. The movie could be absolutely incredible, or downright horrendous, but all that really mattered was that we were together and happy.

Being avid Disney fans, my family and I always make it a point to sit and watch the latest animated movies together. But really, anything categorized under Disney or Pixar is always a must-watch in our book, and this past year animations have been being pumped out of studios left and right, and a number of them were bangers. Some my favorites were:

Raya and the Last Dragon – Taking place in a fictional location inspired by south-east Asian culture and geography, our heroine Raya finds herself trying to fight against the forces of a dark evil that had taken over the lands of her beloved home, and those of others, into it’s clutches.

Luca – Set in 1950’s Italy, Luca illustrates the journey of our little, anthropomorphic main, Luca. A little fish/lizard creature who lives with his family in the sea. But, Luca starts to get curious about what lies above the surface of the clear waters. His curiosity is what ultimately leads him to befriend another boy just like him and learning what it means to truly live.

Encanto – Set in what appears to be early 20th-century Colombia, Mirabel Madrigal navigates her life as a member of the mystical Madrigal family in their enchanted house. Almost all of the members of the family holds a unique power, except her. But when the fate of her and her family’s future is at stake, Mirabel takes it upon herself to prove herself to uncover the mysteries of their past, and her own future. as an essential part of the family.

Studios like Disney, Pixar, and Ghibli have become a source of comfort for me no matter how much I grow up. There always seems to be a film I can watch that will bring me pure joy no matter what I’m feeling.

The James Webb Space Telescope was finally launched on Christmas Day after several periods of delay.

The highly anticipated James Webb Space Telescope was launched into space on Christmas Day, the telescope, originally set to launch in 2007, was delayed due to technical difficulties and other factors that could’ve effected the mission in a negative manner. The telescope will be flying roughly a million miles away from Earth while simultaneously changing to its final form.

The telescope itself is the largest and most powerful telescope ever built and will be serving a purpose never given to any other device made to be sent to space. This telescope will be traveling in order to gain information regarding the formation of early galaxies(about 100 to 200 million year olds to be exact). As well as look for information that could help us understand various other things about various galaxies and their formation.

The telescope features a massive mirror coated in gold in order to have as much infrared light as possible. (Infrared light makes it easier for the device to be able to see what source is emitting light from within big clouds of dust.

What makes this mission so sensitive is the fact that anything could happen to the telescope, but no one can go out there to fix it like with Hubble; due to the sheer distance the telescope will be traveling away from our planet. If all goes well, the telescope is predicted to last more than ten years.

(I’ll be making another post about this telescope that will dive deeper into its mechanics, purpose, and history.)

Nearly half of the global population is vaccinated against COVID-19 

– In late 2019, there was a number of infections found in Wuhan, China, which were later identified as SARS-CoV-2.

– After the rapid spread of infections across the globe, COVID-19 was officially declared as a global pandemic by WHO on March 11, 2020.

– Summer of 2020 brought the first approval from the FDA for the first COVID-19 vaccine.

As of today, December 29th, 2021, more than 8 billion doses of the vaccine have been distributed worldwide, and 48.3 percent of our entire population has been fully vaccinated. I’d say, we as a society need to applaud the work of our healthcare workers, scientists, and social workers. I want to take the opportunity now to thank everyone in the workforce. Doctor, nurse, teacher, student, salesperson, mail carrier, garbage collector, engineer, writer, artist, everyone. We all managed to pull through nearly two years of something that could only be described as pure torture.

We’ve hit some of our darkest moments these past two years, and yet we continued to fight for the good of humanity, the good of every creature, and the good of our planet. Because this is our home, the people in it included. And protecting what we love in our hearts is an innate behavior that has existed since the beginning.

Before the pandemic, I never would’ve been able to fathom that this could’ve happened in so suddenly in our lives, and to such a frightening degree. Thinking back to early 2020, my mindset was completely different and I held none of the knowledge I have now. Before, I didn’t realize just how sensitive human life really is, and how it can be shortened at any given moment. It pains me to say this but the past two years have helped me realize how precious and beautiful life is.

I have no idea what the future is going to hold, but I’m entering the year with no expectations except to keep my health as it is now.

I hope you all celebrated the coming year with those you love, let’s all walk into this new era together as one.

Personal

Don’t make me go outside again…

This week…

I did the unthinkable.

I went…

Outside.

*GASP*

“Kanmani,

You didn’t.”

OH YES I DID

On Monday I tagged along with my dad to Costco because I needed to get new glasses because my prescription changed. And if I told you that everything seemed okay and normal would be a complete lie.

To give you some background, I haven’t gone outside since mid March; which was nearly five months ago. There were some cases where I absolutely had to go out but only for very short periods of time. Like returning my school textbooks. And with a mask on of course. But I didn’t go to places where there were tons of people, but rather where everything I had to do was in seclusion. So when I was suddenly dropped into a place with so many people, after not being in contact with anyone for 5 MONTHS, it can really do things to you.

On Monday, at around 3 or 4 o’clock, my dad and I hopped into the car and made our merry way to Costco because we needed to buy groceries and place an order for my glasses. My dad and I both wore our masks as soon as we arrive at the Costco parking lot and climbed out. My dad said we had to go to the tire center first because he needed to replace two tires on our car.

While my dad placed his tire order to the man at the counter, I looked around the interior of the building. And I noticed signs around the register and doorways that said that you were required to wear a mask by state law. And everyone we had seen so far in Costco was wearing one.

Since we are on the topic of masks, may I mention that no matter which one I wear, it never fits me properly? Either my face is to small, or every single mask I wear is just too big for my face. Which is a problem because then they leave open gaps near my eyes or under my jawline, which will then end up bringing in even more bad germs into your mouth and nose. Not only that, but it’s downright uncomfortable! So I try to position the mask so it fits snugly on my face.

Anyways, we left the tire center and headed to the Costco building.

I thought I was mentally prepared for seeing a lot of people when we reached the building, I mean come one, it’s Costco. Of course there will be a lot of people! But like many things in life, I had underestimated just how overwhelming it would be to be dropped into a massive crowd of people when you haven’t interacted with anyone for nearly 5 months.

As soon as we walked in, I instantly wanted to run back to the car and skedaddle out of there.

There were hoards of people pushing carts, talking on the phone, and the entire atmosphere of the store itself was overwhelming to my senses. It was too loud and too claustrophobic. But I pushed all of those thoughts to the back of my mind and continued with my dad to the Optical’s center.

The glasses are usually displayed on a large wall, and once you choose which pairs you want, you bring them over to the counter to place your order. It was essentially the same concept now, except every sales worker in the entire store wore masks, and the employees that worked in the Optical center wore gloves, masks, and those protective plastic shields that can protect your face. As well as constantly wiping down all surfaces and objects touched and handled by customers and employees. They also had everyone put glasses in a bin after you tried them on so they could be disinfected and sanitized.

I picked two pairs of glasses, one metal and the other was a different material, but both were glasses that I really like the style of. One was a bit rounded on the the bottom(which is a style I’ve been wanting to try for a while)while the other was similar to the previous model but a bit more rectangular and defined.

Once I had picked my two pairs of glasses, my dad and I made our way to the counter to place the order for the glasses and gave them my prescription. After that, a women from the counter came and asked me to sit down in a chair so they could get the measurements of my face.

Before I was told to put my eyes in and peer inside the binocular looking thingy, they had disinfected the whole thing, which I thought was great. But what I didn’t like was the fact that the smell was literally burning in my nose since I was so close to it. It was sterile and I thought I was gonna pass out from inhaling it so much. But I tried my hardest not to wrench myself away from the device that was supposed to measure my face and run outside to get some fresh air.

So there I was trying not to cry for a few seconds while I stared a fluorescent green dot the size of a grape.

After that horrific experience(though I appreciate the effort to clean everything so thoroughly)my dad had the same women(who helped with my order), loosen his glasses because they were too tight on his face and wouldn’t fit properly.

After that was done, my dad and I grabbed a cart so we could get groceries. And we finished grabbing all of the things we needed.

Well, actually, that entire sentence that was written up there is way nicer than what actually happened.

It was more of my dad dragging me around while I had to push the cart and make sure I didn’t bump into anyone or anything. Which is pretty hard when my dad has long legs and can walk really fast, while I have short legs and small feet. Not to mention small hands, which made it really hard to control the massive cart that was loaded with a ton of items waiting to be purchase. At some points my dad would drag the cart behind him while I held the handlebars, but then, he would run off to quickly grab something that was on our list, and then leave me to stand there awkwardly and try to give other people room.

When we went to the register and got everything paid for, my dad said he wanted to get something price-checked. So we went to the little area designated for that. But there was no one there to help us. So my dad went to an employee and asked he for help. She came over to where we were standing and waiting. She was a bit old, and had a kind demeanor, instantly apologizing for the inconvenience. She told us she was going to call someone over here to help us, but I wasn’t expecting from the kindly old women was for her to do this:

“51!”

My dad and I stared at each other in shock as this women bellowed across the entire store to her colleagues, signaling that the station needed someone. This goes to show just how relevant the phrase “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” is. When she was done screaming(in very high octaves mind you)a man came to help us and everything went smoothly.

After that we clambered back into the car and drove home, and as soon as we got home, I kicked off my shoes and smushed myself into the couch while I tried to regain a sense of relaxation.

That was too much social interaction for me to bear so soon…

I hoped you enjoyed this mini story time, and can somewhat relate to all of this… Mess. Anyways, stay safe, stay happy, and wear your face mask!

Bytes, Personal

Why technology is an art form:

About a month ago, I got up and dusted off my hard copy of Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson. I had already read the book previously, but my interpretation of the book back then was taken from a perspective in which I was confused and therefore, making assumptions that most likely had nothing to do with Steve Job’s actual creative process with his development of Apple products.

Anyway, the book got me thinking of how, in the California Steve Jobs grew up in, technology most likely consisted of cord telephones, clunky(yet functional)desktop computers, and an array of other gadgets that were considered new even when computers were introduced before Steve Jobs created his.

But in the California I’m growing up in right now, it’s become the home base for massive companies and incorporations for computing and technology. Everywhere you look on the streets(globally), someone’s holding a device or has something plugged into their ears; or wrapped around their wrist. Apple or not, a lot of people have immersed themselves into the tech they decided to purchase in order to improve or add to their lives. It might be for medical reasons, education purposes, etc.

Technology has also become emphatically eminent in the study and documentation of nearly everything that has happened for the past few decades. It has escalated the way medicine and doctoring is done, and nearly everything we do now circulates with technology. Schools are using them as a basis for education, hospitals use computers and tablets to track patient history and record data, etc.

But we also use our devices in ways that aren’t just for practicality. But for our own little exploits and fun. Like gaming, drawing, creating music, there are so many opportunities to create things that you want to introduce, and maybe even share with others. And that’s what I find really beautiful with the constant evolution of our machinery, is that we can all find new things that we weren’t familiar with before. Like trying out a new program, or learning how to code. Or maybe creating your first digital art piece.

At the start of this year, on of my classes was Photo Arts, which dealt with how to shoot with a camera, edit images, and how to take good pictures by practicing and studying art principles and angles. It was probably one of my favorite classes and I really hope to take the advanced class in my junior year. It was always my dad who takes pictures in our family, on his phone, or a camera. So when I started taking this class,

I’ve started to appreciate the lengths people go to, to capture moments in ways that could be seared perfectly in your memory.

That metaphor sounded brutal, oh dear.

Photography has really changed my perception of art the more I learned about it, and I’ve found myself taking more pictures at times when I usually wouldn’t have say, a couple months ago. Taking pictures and editing them has unexpectedly become something that really helps me relax when I’m under a lot of pressure. For example, when I was still taking my classes online(the summer holidays have started), I was trying to finish all of my assignments, whilst trying to turn in quality work so I could receive full marks. And even though I still had to do work for Photo Arts, it truly didn’t feel like I was producing pieces for school.

Every time it came the time to send out a new set of photos for my class, it was always a topic that was really beneficial in learning, but could also be done in our current living situations. I enjoyed taking the time to dig deep into my subject and figure out angles and which placement looked best, or which type of lighting made the centerpiece stand out. It was these little mindless thoughts that calmed me and made me feel like I was actually creating art.

So, in honor of this random rant, I present to you a digital portfolio of a few select photos that I wanted to share with you all. Some were shot on my school campus with heavy equipment, while some others were taken and edited just on my phone while at home. There is a lot of improvement that needs to happen with my photography skills, and there is a lot I still need to know, but these are pictures that I’m still proud of because they were taken with passion and determination. So, please enjoy this mini collection produced by yours truly.

Due to some technical difficulties, I couldn’t download the document and turn it into a PDF file. So I’m going to attach the link below so you can view the presentation.

https://www.canva.com/design/DAD-hvjoXDI/Q6d1gwazKn9PpsSOV9ZnOg/edit

Personal

Relax, it’ll be okay.

(This post is not sponsored.)

Many people tend to struggle when working in an environment where they generally can’t focus, or just aren’t used to doing that task in. And now, with everyone at home working, it’s a bit troubling for those who struggle with that. Working at home can be quite the adjustment if you’re used to a quite office or study space.

When you’re accustomed to a specific atmosphere but then suddenly have to deal with chaos at home, it can be quite the challenge. Whether you have little ones at home, pets(pets are amazing stress relievers too)or just a bountiful amount of distractions; it can get difficult to concentrate. So today I will help you figure out the perfect atmosphere to work and/or study in.

Productivity

It can be hard to be productive when there are so many things to meddle with in your surrounding space. What I recommend is keeping only what is absolutely necessary on your work space. On my desk:

  • Small tech bag – adapters, charging cables, wired earbuds if my Bluetooth doesn’t work, screen wipes, etc.
  • Pen case – 1 metal mechanical pencil, 1 pen, 1 eraser, and 1 small pack of graphite
  • Small Lotion – For dry hands
  • Phone – Only used if necessary

All of this is kept in a drawer on my desk so I don’t keep messing with them, but are located in areas where they can be easily accessed.

The items you need personally are obviously going to be different from mine, and should be tailored to your personal needs. But this is only one part to keeping yourself productive. Surroundings are one thing, but you have to actually keep staying on task. So here are some things that can help contribute to that.

Music

If you’re like me and listen to music while working or studying, then I suggest listening to music that is soft, slow and mellow. What I noticed in the past, is that when I listen to music with a heavy beat, catchy lyrics, and is super pumped up, my brain gets hyped up too. I’ll eventually start losing concentration on my work, and then focus all my senses to the music. So create a playlist that does the exact opposite of that.

Maybe have some smooth jazz going, or soft orchestrals. Not only will this keep you focused, but also keep your mind calm and hushed. If music isn’t really your thing while working, then why not have some nature sounds? There are plenty of apps you can download on any device that plays natural sounds like rain, rushing water, ocean, forests, etc. And there are features you can set on any Amazon Alexa as well, if that is your preference.

The Pomodoro Technique ( thanks Babu Peryiappa)

The “Pomodoro” technique was developed in the 1980s by Francesco Cirillo. Basically, you set a specific time fragment to work in(25 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever you want)after finishing that time frame, you take a break. Before continuing to work for the same amount of time. This goes on in a continuous pattern into you get your task done. Traditionally, time segments are set to 25 minutes for working.

I was made aware of this technique by my uncle(as mentioned in the subtitle)when I was much younger. But I always associated the word “Pomodoro” to tomatoes and pasta. I didn’t find myself using this technique myself until I started high school. Where I have to make a plan on how to execute my time studying, and doing homework and projects. I find it to be extremely beneficial in keeping myself together and organized with my time.

There are several apps that are designed specifically for this purpose that I think are really cool, but just keeping your eye on the clock from time to time also works. Or having a little stopwatch on hand. Because this is benefiting you, and will be fabricated to help you. So do whatever way is best for you. You aren’t obligated to take my advice or anyone else’s. Just do what you are comfortable with and what you think will benefit you. Here are some apps that can help, and hopefully give you a few options if you wanna started this technique yourself:

  • BFT: Bear Focus Timer – Personally, I think this is by far the cutest one out of all of the ones I will be mentioning today. The app features a bear names Tom, Tom is a friendly little bear who will keep track of your time. But he won’t be so friendly when you keep meddling with your phone(his face furrows into a cute lil’ frown)All you have to do is turn your phone face down and start working, if you turn your phone face up and start messing with it, Tom gets a little mad. The app also provides white noise to help you focus.
  • Move On – This app has a very simple and minimalistic interface and is extremely easy to use. So for those of you out there who just want to set their times and breaks, this is the app for you.
  • Forest – This is a very creative way to keep focused and I personally love it for it’s clever way of supporting productivity. As soon as you set your timer, a little tree will start growing in that time. But if you close that app and go to another one, the tree stops growing. If you keep doing this everyday, soon you’ll have a dense forest!
  • Plantie – “Plantie” is a similar app to the previously mentioned one, with simple and appealing graphics. You can collect rewards and choose different plants to grow and unlock.

Device

You should also tailor your device so you have all of the documents and platforms you need the most, in a spot where you can see it right away and click on it. If your device has a dock somewhere on the screen where you can click and drag different things, then it’s a good idea to keep them in that deck. For easy and immediate access.

If you’re just using a search engine, then don’t keep an excessive amount of tabs open. But only the ones you are needing right at that moment. You can always recover the previous tab you had deleted.

As for your device itself, only keep the apps and platforms you need and know you use. And this doesn’t just have to be work/school related. It can be games, or anything really. Just as long as you know you use them then scarcely at all.

I don’t like working in spaces that are cluttered and disorganized. It messes with my productivity and I feel less and less ready to actually work. My mind will often scatter off to wherever there is disorder, and then I feel a little nag in my head urging to clean it. This goes for digital devices too. Don’t let this stop you from working well. Choose a day to clean out your workspace AND your digital devices. Because both can contribute to how distracted you can get.

Lighting

Lighting is just as important as focus and surrounding objects, because you don’t want something that will irritate your eyes or give you a migraine. Have lighting that is comfortable for you. When I’m working at night, I keep on two lamps that radiate a very soft, warm glow that keeps me comfortable. I also keep the brightness low on both my phone and iPad when I’m working. And if dark mode can be enabled into your device, I highly recommend using that in a work setting.

If you are working for long periods at a time, then your eyes will be continuously exposed to a the stark white paper, or a glowing screen. So try lowering any chances of getting a headache in your work session by alleviating everything so your comfortable.

Clothing

Yes. Your physical body is very important as well when you’re working so listen up before you close this tab or skip ahead to the next paragraph.

Wear clothing that brings nothing to you but comfort. Something that makes you feel good and fresh. And it can be just about anything. Pajamas, sweatpants, whatever. Just don’t wear anything that will irritate your skin or make you feel restricted in your own body. The reason behind that is because while you work, your mind will constantly wander back to the fact that some part of your body doesn’t feel as nice as it should. So before you have to go and change in the middle of working or studying, just wear something comfy beforehand so you don’t have to. No one is going to judge you, and you’ll be fully focused while super comfy.

Just don’t fall asleep.

Physical and Mental Wellness

Working is important, but your mind and body are just as important. If not, more. Your mind endures so much each and everyday, information is packed into and thoughts cloud and drift apart. You can feel your mind get congested and that can really affect you physically too. Work shouldn’t go to the extent where you are constantly burned out and not getting a healthy amount of sleep.

You should be taking care of your body by eating a balanced amount of things that you need in order to function properly. Eat all three meals each day. With balanced amounts of fruits, vegetables, carbs, protein, etc. But if you participate in everyday fasting, then eat very well in the meals you do allow yourself to eat. But fasting doesn’t give you an excuse not to drink water. Drink lots of water, fasting or not, humans are like sponges. Without water we are dry and rough, and that’s really bad for your health.

Remember to stay active by doing exercises that are suited to you. Don’t do a rigorous Olympic style workout. Not everyone is an athlete and that is okay. Do the best you can with a workout plan that fits for you. Maybe 10 pushups and 25 crunches. Or a one-hour run or bike ride.

Don’t look at the way other people stay fit and assume it’ll work for you, because they outfitted their activity to work for them.

With all this, we also have to constantly keep in mind that we have to keep ourselves mentally healthy as we do physically. There are many different methods for calming the mind and relieving stress. Like painting or drawing, playing music or just listening to it, writing down your thoughts, spend time with family etc. Anyone can do anything they choose to relieve stress, but meditation really takes it to another level.

I started my first meditation session yesterday with my family. All the lights were turned off, the house engulfed in darkness with the soft lull of an infant night. My dad had found an app called “Oak.” Which is a beautifully designed app that teaches you how to do different styles of mediation, and can help keep track of your meditation. It also provides breathing exercises and keeps track of that too. I highly recommend this for anyone who is a newcomer to actually meditating, like me, or if you’ve been meditating for a while and want an app that can help you keep track of your sessions.

Meditation wasn’t something I thought about doing because I thought I wouldn’t be able to keep up with it. That I wouldn’t be able to reach inner peace and the process of clearing my mind. But I was clearly proven wrong last night when the mess of my thoughts melted away until the only thing left was a single mantra. My entire body relaxed and my breath became effortless and steady.

My mind was blank for the first time in my entire life.

I hope these tips could help those of you out there who are having a bit of trouble adjusting to working and/or studying at home, these were all things I learned in the past month when school was shut down. But it doesn’t matter if you’re a student or not. We’re all on the same level here and need to have each other’s back. So please care for others and protect yourself.

Stay healthy, stay safe, stay happy. Also, get lots of sleep and cuddles.

Personal, Writing

An Introvert’s Lament

Last Friday, I had an English assignment where I had to write about my experience amid the global Covid-19 pandemic. As well as my feelings as this takes place worldwide. Our teacher said that we could write this in any written form we wanted(poem, song, narrative, etc.)so I chose to do it in the form of a narrative essay. Documenting my experience and emotions through this difficult time. I wanted to share this with you because what we’re all going through right now is something not a lot of people have experienced in their lifetimes.

This is something I never expected to happen and so many emotions were swirling inside of me that I didn’t know how to filter them. But writing was my best option. And my only option. The pen and paper never give you backlash. They are the tools to help you convey things that are sometimes hard to express with your voice. So this assignment was probably the only thing between me, and me just snapping from how crazy all of this is.

I just wanted to share this with you all because it didn’t feel right to have a piece where my emotions are just raw, with absolutely no filter, and not share it with others who may be struggling with their thoughts on this as well. So please, while you’re reading this, think about how you are feeling.

An Introvert’s Lament

Kanmani Harivenkatesh

English 1

Between the ages of 3 to 10, the prospect of the world being anything but perfect was astonishing to me. That not every human being was kind, that many people don’t sleep safely with their stomachs full and a loving kiss from a dear one lingering on their temple. But as I grew, I experienced the world with eyes wide and my heart pinned to my chest. My mind had grown from these encounters and observations, but hardened my perception of the human race and the world we live and coexist with. 

Of course there’s a multitude of things in the world that reap emotions from me that are fiery and awful, I hate it. But I feel anyway because I don’t have the capability to lie to my own conscience. Some of that hatred is directed towards the harshness that comes with being a teenager in today’s world. Anxiety, social burdens, educational pressures. So much in such early stages of life and yet no one cares to ask, “How are you feeling about all of this?” Life moves too fast and I feel like I’m not catching up fast enough. And yet, here I am now, sitting at my desk with absolutely nothing else to do except write until my wrists give out. There are many things that happened in history that shape our species’s race. But I have never, in my entire life, experienced what we are going through right now globally. 

When the virus started making headlines(I’m not even gonna sugarcoat this because this is the brutal truth)I brushed it off. I thought it would come and pass like so many things in today’s news. But I never thought that it would manifest into what it has become now. I’ve read enough books about statistics to know that in many cases, nothing goes down until it reaches its peak. And in order to cut something off in the middle, you have to take extreme measures. 

This concept was brought into my mind once again on our last few days of school before it was cancelled for a considerable amount of time. Quickly replaced with a stuttered “Distance Learning” that keeps me on my toes and ready to polish off 45+ math problems in twenty minutes flat and turned in. Sure, learning is certainly more relaxed now that we have the opportunity to go at our own paces, but it isn’t the same when there isn’t someone to guide you. 

Hospitals across the country, across the world, have to take double shifts, reuse tools and material, leave themselves without sleep for extremely long periods of time. The stress they are undergoing without buckling under the pressure is something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. And it’s going to be pretty hard to forget the rest of all this too. 

Another emotion I’ve been feeling is frustration and fear. The two mental states that are extremely hard to express for me. And yet that’s the only thing I’ve been feeling everytime I read the news, or keep remembering that life isn’t normal anymore, and it’ll we a while before it actually is again. And the fact that this is completely unpredictable really scares people We don’t know when it will stop, how many people will be affected, and how long this will actually last. These are all questions that I wish with every beat of my heart, had answers. But clearly they haven’t been answered with precise statements yet, so that’s just wonderful. (No, it’s not.)

With this being a new experience for everyone, it’s brought us all together in a way too. That is quite an ironic thing to say considering we are told to distance ourselves from others, but we are in this together because nearly everyone in the entire planet is going through the same thing. Not one country having to fight for themselves, but everyone. Tied together in a way that truly represents the bond we all have. That we are all connected and there for each other even in these distressing times where a little word of comfort can do so much. 

    With the virus cases increasing, so has human kindness. Neighbors offer to buy groceries and leave them on the doorstep, stores and shops delivering food rather than customers coming to purchase them. Everyone is going through this at the same rate. Staying home and cuddling with blankets, or getting work done in their homes rather than an office. Everyone has now immersed themselves into the natural habitat of a full-fledged introvert. Which is certainly a good thing. Not only that, but the decrease in greenhouse gasses going into the atmosphere is healing the wounds left by pollution. Which I never expected to happen since I was too busy worrying myself over the virus. 

    Even with those small notes of happiness, it doesn’t shake the feeling of complete helplessness that I feel each time I see the numbers of virus cases increasing every time I decide to take a look. This essay was a good way for me to let out what I was feeling, but I still need to stoke what’s still bubbling in me every time I remember that I can’t even hug anyone anymore. 

This essay wasn’t too negative, but it wasn’t very sunshine and rainbows either. But we can’t let our dark thoughts flicker and burn. We have to drown them before they consume us whole. That is the most dangerous thing about our minds. They can convince us of horrid things that maybe won’t even happen. But we must stay positive and follow guidelines such as social-distancing and only going out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Let us stay positive and happy. And try to find a way where you can channel your thoughts. Because you are not alone, and never will be. So fall into the embraces of what you go to for comfort. Confide in it, and receive the closure you seek.

Personal, Personel Things

Hi grandpa.

2 Comments

Today was the first time I had seen my dad cry. 

My dad wanted me to make a portrait of his father. My grandfather who had died before I was born. So I decided to ask my dad questions about him so I could incorporate some of that into the portrait. Suddenly my dad had said, “He died right in front of my eyes.” His voice soon faltered and his eyes glistened over. The glow of the tv reflected off of his welling eyes. He covered his eyes with his hand, his body shaking as he silently sobbed. I stood there for a second, in shock, my own eyes welling up.

This is so hard to write without crying. 

I hurried into the kitchen telling my mother what happened. She rushed over and sat beside him on the couch. My mom whispered sweet things and rubbed circles on my dads shoulder. I just stood there, my arm wrapped around my dad. Tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. My dads shoulders stopped shaking, The empty silence subtle. The only sound heard was the soft sniffles of both my mother and I. 

My heart swelled at the thought of how much my dad is like my grandfather. Ambitious, cunning, smart, intelligent, kind. My mom says that my dad is like my grandfather and I grew up to be like both my dad and grandfather. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve that title. I am like no one in my family. I can be selfish and stupid at times. I lack bravery in some tasks. I lack common traits that are needed in a loving daughter and prideful descendant. But one thing is for certain:

I am the proud daughter of my parents, the proud descendent of my grandparents. The proud member of this family. When I think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing family that believe in me. I just think that I need to make them proud. 

One time about a couple weeks ago I was walking across the fied from my house to meet my friends who were near the Spanish class building. Dillon was the only person there and he had his face in his hands. It was pounding rain, both of us were soaking wet. It might have been rain on his face but I swore I saw tears on his pale cheeks. 

“Dillon what’s wrong?” I asked my hand on his heaving shoulder. 

“My backpack, someone stole it and hid it somewhere.” He said his blue-green eyes scanning my face as he spoke to me in the sound of rain accompanying his voice.

“Well then we have to find it.” I said determined to help him.

“ I checked everywhere it could possibly be but it’s no where.” He said his voice miserable.

“We just have to search harder. Look in unlikely places.” I said as I plopped my backpack on a dry spot and took my jacket off. It was soaking wet so it wasn’t like it was gonna keep me warm anyway. 

I walked along the concrete trail with Dillon beside me. His face was stark. I squeezed his wrist reassuringly hoping it would help ease him. He looked at me and nodded before we continued on.

We stopped in front of the large green storage crates that belonged to the school. I honestly don’t know why they have storage crates in the first place but I wasn’t too worried about them at the moment. We went behind the crates where there was a smaller , a dent on the top with rainwater pooling in it. Now here’s the part that made me want to scream. The backpack we were looking for was on top of the humongous storage crate that was twice the size of me. I knew that Dillon had a fear of heights. He eyed the crate like he was going to strike it with lightning any minute. I myself am terrified of heights but at that moment I had to shove my fears in a box, seal it, and throw into a corner of my mind.

“Kanmani you don’t have to do this. We could just tell a teacher or the principal or something and they can find out who did it.” The blonde haired boy looked down a me as I shook my head no.

“Dillon that’s just gonna make everything complicated. Let’s just get your backpack down and go.” 

He nodded. But then I knew he was starting to regret that when I started climbing the smaller crate. The rain was making it hard to keep my  balance with the rain pouring and I was trying hard not to look down. My rain boots started slipping and Dillon had his arms out too catch me if I fell. I reached as much as I could to grab the handle of the backpack. 

Curse my short arms and legs.

I pulled hard on the backpack and my heart pounded in my ears as the backpack fell backwards. My hand discharging quickly so it didn’t tear of from the impact of the heavy backpacks fall. Dillon quickly grabbed his backpack then put his arms back out so I didn’t fall miserably. I closed my eyes and jumped. Two seconds late I was back on the ground with Dillons arms wrapped tightly around me. 

“Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!” He said hugging me.

“Dillon, I uh, still need to Um, BREATH.” 

Right at that moment I thought “ Grandpa, are you proud of me?”

Every time I do something I want to do so that if my grandfather was still alive he would like it.

I want to be just as awesome as he was. As my dad is. As I would like to be.

Goodnight grandpa.

I love you.