Last Friday, I had an English assignment where I had to write about my experience amid the global Covid-19 pandemic. As well as my feelings as this takes place worldwide. Our teacher said that we could write this in any written form we wanted(poem, song, narrative, etc.)so I chose to do it in the form of a narrative essay. Documenting my experience and emotions through this difficult time. I wanted to share this with you because what we’re all going through right now is something not a lot of people have experienced in their lifetimes.
This is something I never expected to happen and so many emotions were swirling inside of me that I didn’t know how to filter them. But writing was my best option. And my only option. The pen and paper never give you backlash. They are the tools to help you convey things that are sometimes hard to express with your voice. So this assignment was probably the only thing between me, and me just snapping from how crazy all of this is.
I just wanted to share this with you all because it didn’t feel right to have a piece where my emotions are just raw, with absolutely no filter, and not share it with others who may be struggling with their thoughts on this as well. So please, while you’re reading this, think about how you are feeling.
An Introvert’s Lament
Kanmani Harivenkatesh
English 1
Between the ages of 3 to 10, the prospect of the world being anything but perfect was astonishing to me. That not every human being was kind, that many people don’t sleep safely with their stomachs full and a loving kiss from a dear one lingering on their temple. But as I grew, I experienced the world with eyes wide and my heart pinned to my chest. My mind had grown from these encounters and observations, but hardened my perception of the human race and the world we live and coexist with.
Of course there’s a multitude of things in the world that reap emotions from me that are fiery and awful, I hate it. But I feel anyway because I don’t have the capability to lie to my own conscience. Some of that hatred is directed towards the harshness that comes with being a teenager in today’s world. Anxiety, social burdens, educational pressures. So much in such early stages of life and yet no one cares to ask, “How are you feeling about all of this?” Life moves too fast and I feel like I’m not catching up fast enough. And yet, here I am now, sitting at my desk with absolutely nothing else to do except write until my wrists give out. There are many things that happened in history that shape our species’s race. But I have never, in my entire life, experienced what we are going through right now globally.
When the virus started making headlines(I’m not even gonna sugarcoat this because this is the brutal truth)I brushed it off. I thought it would come and pass like so many things in today’s news. But I never thought that it would manifest into what it has become now. I’ve read enough books about statistics to know that in many cases, nothing goes down until it reaches its peak. And in order to cut something off in the middle, you have to take extreme measures.
This concept was brought into my mind once again on our last few days of school before it was cancelled for a considerable amount of time. Quickly replaced with a stuttered “Distance Learning” that keeps me on my toes and ready to polish off 45+ math problems in twenty minutes flat and turned in. Sure, learning is certainly more relaxed now that we have the opportunity to go at our own paces, but it isn’t the same when there isn’t someone to guide you.
Hospitals across the country, across the world, have to take double shifts, reuse tools and material, leave themselves without sleep for extremely long periods of time. The stress they are undergoing without buckling under the pressure is something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. And it’s going to be pretty hard to forget the rest of all this too.
Another emotion I’ve been feeling is frustration and fear. The two mental states that are extremely hard to express for me. And yet that’s the only thing I’ve been feeling everytime I read the news, or keep remembering that life isn’t normal anymore, and it’ll we a while before it actually is again. And the fact that this is completely unpredictable really scares people We don’t know when it will stop, how many people will be affected, and how long this will actually last. These are all questions that I wish with every beat of my heart, had answers. But clearly they haven’t been answered with precise statements yet, so that’s just wonderful. (No, it’s not.)
With this being a new experience for everyone, it’s brought us all together in a way too. That is quite an ironic thing to say considering we are told to distance ourselves from others, but we are in this together because nearly everyone in the entire planet is going through the same thing. Not one country having to fight for themselves, but everyone. Tied together in a way that truly represents the bond we all have. That we are all connected and there for each other even in these distressing times where a little word of comfort can do so much.
With the virus cases increasing, so has human kindness. Neighbors offer to buy groceries and leave them on the doorstep, stores and shops delivering food rather than customers coming to purchase them. Everyone is going through this at the same rate. Staying home and cuddling with blankets, or getting work done in their homes rather than an office. Everyone has now immersed themselves into the natural habitat of a full-fledged introvert. Which is certainly a good thing. Not only that, but the decrease in greenhouse gasses going into the atmosphere is healing the wounds left by pollution. Which I never expected to happen since I was too busy worrying myself over the virus.
Even with those small notes of happiness, it doesn’t shake the feeling of complete helplessness that I feel each time I see the numbers of virus cases increasing every time I decide to take a look. This essay was a good way for me to let out what I was feeling, but I still need to stoke what’s still bubbling in me every time I remember that I can’t even hug anyone anymore.
This essay wasn’t too negative, but it wasn’t very sunshine and rainbows either. But we can’t let our dark thoughts flicker and burn. We have to drown them before they consume us whole. That is the most dangerous thing about our minds. They can convince us of horrid things that maybe won’t even happen. But we must stay positive and follow guidelines such as social-distancing and only going out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Let us stay positive and happy. And try to find a way where you can channel your thoughts. Because you are not alone, and never will be. So fall into the embraces of what you go to for comfort. Confide in it, and receive the closure you seek.