We are all authors of our own 365 page books each year, New Years Day is when you start writing and making your story glow. So yah better write a good one.

365 New days,

365 New Chances

This is the beginning of anything that you want.

I have made a couple New Years Resolutions that I do hope to fulfill in 2018. Like first off, spending more time on my writing and work my process through more thoroughly. I want to become more productive and make things happen.  The new year means nothing if your still in an intimate relationship with your comfort zone. I want to go see more places and have the ability to make my own voice hear. I mean I gotta holler just be heard!(yes that was a Hamilton reference, your welcome)I want to fight and work hard to achieve my goals.

2017 has been like a forest fire(in the best way of course)as soon as one flame died down, another one would start kindling and eventually burning the old remnants that stood above them. The first flame was obviously my little sisters birth(I CANT BELIEVE MY LITTLE BABY SIS WILL BE ONE TOMORROW OMGS I CANT)so that was a huge change in our lives. Soon I created this blog , managing to turn my hunger for speech into a thing. This blog has become apart. Almost everyone I know asks me about it and it has actually become my trademark. With you guys supporting me I have been more confident to become more bold with my words and I shouldn’t just toy with them. Here are some of my resolutions:

• Less Talking More Doing
• Drink more Tea
• Less Complaining, more Encouraging
• Less Worrying More Hoping
• Less being Lazy, more Productivity
• Less Grim Emotions and more Smiles
• Less Hate more Love
• READ READ READ
• More Gratitude
• Save my own Money
• Help others More
• Laugh more
• Dream even Bigger than I already DO
• LIVE IN THE MOMENT
• Be Joyous and Content
• Add more memories, not THINGS
• Do get disappointed when things don’t work out as expected
• Less Procrastinating More Achieving
• Write more
• Explore more
• Make my voice heard(HECK YEAH REVOLUTION)
• IMPROVE MY CONCENTRATION
• Become more active
• Spend more time with the people that have an affect on my life and are a inspirational muse
• Increase my creativity level and let it dominate
• Start writing in a journal(you know those hard things with lined paper in them that you can write in about whatever, yeah those.)
• Practice my flute and piccolo more
• GET MY HOGWARTS ACCEPTANCE LETTER DELIVERED TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG

I have even more and the list is much longer and geekier like the resolution above so I wont get into that.

Oh yeah, I forgot this tiny detail but WE ALSO FOUND A HOUSE THIS year.

In fact heres an intro on the post for that process:

It takes hands to build a house, but it takes hearts to build a home.

Those words were the first things I saw when I walked into my English classroom a few weeks ago with my hands full with books and pencils and pens sticking out of the mound of hair on the top of my head that couldn’t even pass as a bun. My shoulder weighed down by the boulder that is my backpack.  My hand trying to keep my flute steady before the case would clatter to the floor. While we all settled down and took out our books and binders, I scanned the room. I saw countless faces staring with confused looks on as we looked at our teacher holding a stick pointing to the words that everyone was trying to mentally decipher.

Everyone but me.

That day was one of our journaling  days, but instead of it being a free write like on a usual day like that. We were instructed to write something based of the quote on the board. Of course as everyone stared at their journals with blank looks on their faces, I scribbled furiously on my paper, my hand, mind, heart, and soul working as one.  My friends looked at me, their faces vacant of emotion. “How in the world are you writing so much and so freaking fast!?!” One of my friends yelled in a whisper. I just shrugged my shoulders in a silent gesture meaning I don’t have an answer to that one man. My friend huffed in pretend disappointment but actually started writing a few sentences. In fact, everyone else started to write a little bit as well. As if a curse was uplifted amongst everyone in the classroom.

I guess everyone finally understood what home really meant.

I had been living in various apartments ever since I was brought into the world. First a tiny apartment with one bedroom. Light always filled the room and I remember looking through pictures with my mom and i would see me. But smaller, I so small in my mothers arms with her beaming at me as I looked at her my eyes wide with wonder as the sun kissed my hair. When I was about three or four we moved into a different apartment but at the same complex that the previous one was owned by. This one was a bit bigger but with the same necessities. Most of my childhood was spent there. My cousins and I painting our hands with mud and smacking them against the wall outside the building. Our tiny hands depicting innocence and a carefree mind. The summer when I was a second grader going onto third grade, we moved into a two story apartment(same complex area) two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The carpet was plush when we got there. I being the senseless young girl I was wondered how I was ever going to make this empty vast space a home when I had left one behind.

It took me a while to realize that home was where ever the people I loved were with me.

Years have passed and we have made so many memories. It was the place my sister was born into, it was where I realized that words and books are my soulmates for life. Hypothetically speaking, it was the place where I finally realized that home is a not a place or a thing, but a feeling.  I am twelve(going on to thirteen) now. I had moved to that apartment when I was eight so it’s been four years. I have transubstantiated from that young absurd little eight year-old into the divergent( haha, see what I did there? I am such a geek;) teenager I am now.  My eyes understand the world better than they did four years ago.

I started to think I want to live in a place we can call our own. My parents were quick to agree three years into our living there. They searched multiple websites, picking up flyers they found when an open house popped up somewhere near us. Of course they wanted to find a place that was close to school. They searched and sorry if I was being selfish but I was getting anxious. I would constantly send messages to God praying that we would find a place of our own. My mom always says that god will always answer your prayers if you try hard enough and if you believe that it will happen. I live by that everyday. I don’t let my flame die down and my determination is in me like armor that can’t  be penetrated by the deadliest bullet.

My wishes were answered and struck me when I least expected it.

It was about a month and a half before today and I was sitting at the kitchen table. I was (re)reading one of my favorite books called Silent Luna as music pounded in my ears. One of my favorite quotes from that book was:

“I thought I had died when I was alone…

‘Till you found me here and brought me back home. “I legit am not kidding, right after I read the sentences(that also made me mentally break down)my dad told to my mom:

Dad: We got the house.

Mom: ….

Dad: We got the house.

Mom: ….

Mom: *eyes widen* Really?!

Dad: YES, COME LOOK!

My mom looked close to tears of happiness, and my dad looked super happy but his eyes held a thousand thoughts. My little brother’s face seemed blank and confused like the What the heck is even going on right now. I for one didn’t know what to think. Have my parents really found a house? We’re seriously once and for all leaving and apartment? For good? Thoughts clouded my head one by one; though I still managed to get the right idea registered into my head, even through the obscure smog in my head drowning anything lucid or comprehensible that entered my conscious. Of course I was on cloud nine and I was joining mom, brother and sister with jubilant cheers. But I was wondering why my dad said that they got “the” house and not “a” house.

I asked my dad about it and he said that they(they meaning my mom and dad) had actually seen the house a few weeks before since it was(extremely) close to school. But then the real estate agent told them a few days later that the house had been taken. My mom told me that, that house seemed perfect and they couldn’t let go of it. So they kept hope that it would pop up for opportunity again. Now lets get back to that night.

My parents talked to each other more about stuff like remodeling and prices of essential kitchen and bathroomy(???) stuff. Of course me being the eccentric(and frankly the dorkiest person on this planet) intelligent seventh grade female I am, I daydreamed instead. (Wait it was actually like seven or eight at night so would that mean just dreaming or like, okay you know what never mind your missing the point.)

I was making plans in my head:

I could start a garden and make my bedroom look super minimalistic and rustic. I could maybe even add a few decals here and there. And obviously I need a huge desk and a swivel chair thats super comfy, and a cute little nightstand next to my bed. Oh! I could also get a NASA poster to put above my bed or maybe I could get a solar system model that I can hang on the ceiling above my bed. I could also get a Ravenclaw banner and put it somewhere. Or maybe get a little Ministry of Magic sign…

“-Kanmani, Kanmani, KANMANI HARIVENKATESH!!!” My mom and dad both trying to salvage me back to reality.

*Picks up a tennis ball and chucks it across the room* – My brother

“What the-” *Smack*

My head snapped up and heat creeped up my neck as I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why I wasn’t paying attention to their(undeniably boring) financial statements and planning. I also ended up having to rub the side of my temple as it was throbbing from BEING SMACKED BY A TENNIS BALL. *ahem* As I was saying, my dad then asked me “You wanna see a picture of the house?” I wanted to scream HECK YEAH! but I kept my composure and with a blunt nod I instead replied with, “Yes I would like that very much.” Probably to formal on my part, but who cares. My dad pulled up a tab on his laptop that had a google maps location that lo and behold featured a cute little cottage like house. The stereotypical California beach house. Excluding the beach of course. It had light brick red accents around the window and door frames. As well as on the garage door and the poles upholding the porch roof.  It had beautiful rosebushes in the front yard, with a pebble pathway winding around the chaparral and brushes surrounding it. The windows were very wide in width and tall in height. A tall white fence lined the left side of house and the side yard. The titanium white paint had chips of its reminisces peeling off, exposing the timeworn wood underneath.

My dad zoomed out so we could see a satellite view of the house. Please keep in mind that before my dad actually showed us the house on his laptop he told us that it would take at least an hour to just get too school. I was quite surprised at this because my parents key task was to find a house that was close to school for both me and my brother. I was getting suspicious and I was debating whether or not I should believe what my dad told me. It seemed that the house(from the satellite image) had a gate to it’s left a few feet away. Behind the gate was a wood bridge that let people walk across without falling into the water in the canal below. The gate seemed to lead to a large field with two baseball grounds that faced each other from either side of the vast field. I took the laptop from my dad and examined the area around the house, eventually zooming out so much that the field revealed rows of buildings behind it. I zoomed out a bit more and I recognized the white of the rooves and the painted tires scattered across the last few wings of the perimeter.

Wow thats a really big school. With another school beside it! Wow. Too bad I have to drive for an hour just to get to mine. But then my idiot of a mind realized something. My house was adjacent to my own school. Like I literally have to walk like three feet from my property and then I walk across a bridge and than BAM I’m on the school’s property. I was so happy that I finally didn’t have arrive at school like two minutes before class starts. My parents beamed at me as I continued to gawk at what was going to now be my home.

END SCENE

Sooooooooooooo Yeeeeeaaaahh. Thats pretty much the start of the(SO FREAKING LONG)post that I am working on currently. I am sorry I just threw together this post so SORRY THAT IT MIGHT SUCK. So i hope you all have a great year ahead and are as blessed as I have been this past year.

Dear Past,

Thank you for the life lessons and the opportunity to learn from my mistakes.

Dear Future,

I’m ready.

About a month or two ago, my mom picked me up from school. We were walking past the back of the music room when suddenly I saw Mr. Thompson pop out of his car and walk towards the back door of the music room when suddenly he saw us both and said “Hey Kanmani! I’m recommending you for the Honor Band okay?” I looked of into space as my mom thanked him and tried to get me to respond.

“Wait….. I’m in.”

“Yeah. But what is the band Kanmani? What is Honor Band?”

“I have just been asked to join the best band in the whole Mount Diablo Unified School District where very few students are picked from each school to play in an incredible and elite band.”

“Whoa. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOU REALLY NEED TO!” She half-yelled.

“REALLY CAN I JOIN?!”

“YEAH!”

“WE SHOULD STOP YELLING!”

“MKAY.”

I was so shocked, sure I am first chair in my band class. But that doesn’t really mean anything. But THIS!? This was an incredible opportunity! I guess I was a decent enough player to get into it.

So of course. I joined.

Now lets fast forward to this Tuesday.

My friends Arwen, Thalia, and Katelyn, were also my friends who got into Honor Band and joined. Arwen plays the flute(SHE IS SO GOOD) Thalia plays the Alto Saxophone(AGAIN ANOTHER INCREDIBLE MUSICIAN)and last but not least another amazing flute player named Katelyn(OHMYGOSH I CANT EVEN AHHH) We all met at the Foothill Middle School band room for rehearsals for our chairs. The band room was now the flute rehearsal room while the other instruments filed out of the room to other areas in the school they were assigned to rehearse in. We all were supposed to test on the Chromatic scale and I WAS SO FREAKING NERVOUS. My hands shook and got clammy when I played, my heart beating a mile a minute. When I was done my friends and the other girls(and on boy flute player) stared at me. Even the teacher speechless.

Well guess what. I’M FREAKING THIRD CHAIR FLUTE IN THE ENTIRE BAND! I’M THE THIRD BEST PLAYER IN THE WHOLE BAND FOR THE FLUTE SECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH

My friends beamed at me as I stepped up to the third chair in the gargantuan MUR. Since the rehearsal was three hours we were given a fifteen minute break before we start playing with the entire band.

Arwen, Katelyn and I found Thalia coming out of a hall with other saxophones trailing behind her,she looked so happy and told us she got fourth chair for her instrument. I AM SO HAPPY FOR MY GIRL. Anyway during the break my friends and I burst into singing random songs that we all sang obnoxiously while other students looked at us like we were a bunch of mental, deranged, lunatics(which in a way, we are).

Thalia and Me: Congratulations You have invented a new kind of stupid. A ‘damage you can never undo’ kind of stupid An ‘open all the cages in the zoo’ kind of stupid ‘Truly, you didn’t think this through?’ kind of stupid Let’s review You took a rumor a few maybe two people knew and refuted it by sharing an affair of which no one has accused you I begged you to take a break, you refused to So scared of what your enemies will do to you You’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to You know why Jefferson can do what he wants? He doesn’t dignify school-yard taunts with a response! So yeah, congratulations!

Thalia: I lived only to read your letters I look at you and think ‘God, what have we done with our lives and what did it get us?’ That doesn’t wipe the tears or the years away But I’m back in the city and I’m here to stay And you know what I’m here to do?

Me: I’m not here for you.

Me: I know my sister like I know my own mind You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind And a million years ago she said to me ‘this one’s mine’ So I stood by Do you know why? I love my sister more than anything in this life I will choose her happiness over mine every time ELIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thalia and Me:Is the best thing in our lives So never lose sight of the fact that you have been blessed with the best wife. Congratulations For the rest of your life Every sacrifice you make is for my sister Give her the best life. Congratulations

Arwen: ….Wut

Thalia and I managed to just sing a song from Hamilton and make Arwen question why she is even friends with us. Yup, just a normal day with the big three! A while later we were called back to our rehearsal areas to retrieve or instruments so we could go into the MUR to play our concert songs with the entire band. I grabbed my flute and ran to walk by my girls. We sat in our seats, the music stands in front of us occupied with large music folders with sheet music for three songs, and a warmup on the left side pocket, info sheets and rehearsal and concert dates on the sheets of paper on the right side receptacle.

Once all the sections were filled with various players with a variety of instruments in each row, the director of music of Foothill Middle, and our Honor Band conductor both stood up at the very front of the room to address us.

“Hello I am Mr. Kaiser, I am currently retired from musical directory but I have decided to conduct the Honor Band because each year I have the privilege of leading dozens of talented students who have been introduced to this elite group.-” That got smiles from everyone one in the room. “-And for the record, I am not the founder of Kaiser Permanente” He said with a wink. Now that got a few laughs out of everyone and enlightened the tension in the room. I guess everyone was just as anxious as I was.

“Now I know how you guys are feeling, probably scared, anxious, but seriously this is just something that will look intimidating from the first approach, but really its just something that will help and imrpove your musical careers. You have to destroy what is destroying you.”

“I’MA QUOTE YOU ON THAT.” Someone from the bass clarinet section shouted shouted. The whole of the students shaking with breathless laughter.  Even the conductor and director chuckling with amusement from the students attitude.

As we all settled down and we hushed ourselves we were instructed to take out the warmup sheet and play a B major scale(aka the easiest scale known to music in my opinion.) We then were told to flip through the three songs we were going to rehearse, explaining that they were all sea themed I got excited when I saw “Under the Sea” I got super excited and started looking over the score. We also had another one of my favorite classic songs “The Drunken Sailor” and another three-part song, and when I try to say the name it sounded like I was having a seizure.

But I have realized one thing.

If you put a bunch of talented student musicians with an amazing conductor, all in the same room. Oh my gods.

I have underestimated the power of music.

WE SOUND STUNNING. OH MY GOSH I GOT CHILLS.

I. FORGOT. MY. DANG. NAME.

We first played The Drunken Sailor. I love this song because it sounds like some counterpart symphony of Pirates of the Caribbean(BEST. MUSIC. SCORE. EVER.) The percussion, and bass’s, and concert F instruments, the tubas, the bass clarinets, the trumpets and french horns. The whole band together is so good and amazing. Not even a third of what I expected it to sound. We actually sounded like a group of musicians from the San Fransisco Symphony! And let me tell you, I wasn’t the only one shocked with how remarkable we sounded. You should’ve seen the looks on everyone’s faces, I swear the conductor looked like he had just seen a world phenomenon.

After playing all three songs he praised us like we had just been nominated for a Grammy.

Being in a band… its a feeling that can never be replicated by some sort of simulation. You can’t feel everyone’s heaving breathes syncopate with one another with each rest mark. You can’t feel the bouring eyes of the crowd watching you. You can’t feel the rush of adrenaline  when you have a solo or a soli with your group. You can never fear that burst of pride when the large assembly of people stare with shock before clapping. Being able to play music, to sweat bullets when playing, its a good kind of hard. Its the kind that molds you. The music you play and enjoy can tell people more about you than your mouth ever actually could. You can literally feel everyone pouring adoration and ardor into the pieces we play. Oh my gods just… there’s no way to explain the way our hearts squeeze when we fill our souls with passion and zest, the lust for everything you want to do and what your built to. The arts are my way of expressing who I am and showing what i can do. When I write, or draw, or play, I just get this outpouring of vehemency and intensity run through my veins.

At the end of the rehearsal before we were told to go back to pack up in the band room the Mr. Kaiser said a few brief things:

“Okay, I admit, I knew you guys would be good. But this, this is something more and definitely something I didn’t expect. You guys have got spunk and I totally like that. And man when you guys know that we gotta play with grit, you give me savagery.” We all breathed heavily like we just lifted five four pound weights on either of our shoulder. But we all managed to smile with pride.

“So I’ll see you guys next week and remember: Success is the best revenge for anything.” He said before dismissing us. After that we all walked out to the band room. The girls and I in a cluster. As I took apart my flute I thought about how good we sounded on just the first rehearsal, as well as that quote Mr. Kaiser told us. I then met my dad outside and he asked. “So, how was it?” I replied with:

“I forgot my dang name.”